OK, this post isn’t going to actually establish what kids TV is teaching our kids, but if I’d have called it “Bings an epic bellend” I don’t think I’d get too far…..
For 19 months now we’ve been “blessed” with Cbeebies.
For those who aren’t aware of what this is: it’s a kids TV channel for babies and toddlers. It’s got the classic TV shows on it, Teletubbies and their ever growing family, Postman Pat, who is the only postman in the village and is totally over equipped for the job at hand (he has a helicopter for christ sake. A helicopter. He’s a postman. Just, don’t…..) and so on.
Now don’t get me wrong, there’s some amazing programs on Cbeebies.
Mr Tumble isn’t the weird freak that you initially think he is. Something Special is an amazingly well produced program that helps kids with learning difficulties. It bridges the gap between audio and visual impairments by using Makaton throughout, and the characters Justin has created are endearing to kids. And if you tell me that you don’t sing along, or touch your nose and blink three times, then you’re lying, and that’s that.
Then there’s shows like Pablo. Pablo is on the autistic spectrum, and uses drawings of his imaginary friends to go on adventures that help explain the anxiety and worries that he faces daily. Every episode is based on real life stories, and in some instances the children involved have helped to write them.
And then there’s…….I can’t even contain my rage any more……
Bing f**king bunny.
First things first. I have to doff my hat to the animation studio and designers at Bing. Aesthetically, I love it. Everything is so well designed and brought to life.
Oh my god.
OK, I’m just going to go for it.
Bing is the most annoying and obnoxious little shite I’ve ever seen.
Bing is a bunny. A giant black 3 year old bunny who is triple the size of his carer, and could easily just stomp him to death (insert Bing “dumm dummm dumm dummmm” stomping noise here)
He’s a whingy little arse. I’ve no idea what he’s teaching kids. He’ll lose his rag of someone plays with his toys. He’ll squirt 10 loads of bubble bath in the bath when you’re not looking so it overflows. He’ll steal from a shop. He’ll kill butterflies. He’ll smash up his mates artwork because it’s not what he wanted. He’ll literally whinge at everything. Seriously, everything….
There are, of course, other characters….
Coco is a bunny, Bings cousin. She’s mildly annoying, and has a bed time ritual of insisting her fairies say night to everything, that seems to take most of the night to carry out.
Pando, a panda, who can’t keep his shorts on and walks around making odd noises. Honestly, he’ll have his shorts on, then next minute, whip them off, no reason. Very strange.
Padget, Pandos carer, is a green thing. Not a person, not an animal. A thing. We’re pretty sure that her and Flop are, you know, friends with benefits. She runs the shop that Bing steals from…..
Sula, an elephant, who is just as obnoxious as Bing, like, she’s up there with the worst of them. She’s a know-it-all elephant, the worst kind.
Amma is Sulas career. She’s blue, and kind of like an elephant but not an elephant. She’s full of crazy hoohaaa ?
Then there’s Flop. Bings, eerrrr, dad? I don’t know, he’s a nondescript thing, like a bean bag. Originally voiced by Mark Rylance (renowned actor, Dunkirk, Royal Shakespeare theatre) and now David Threlfall (from Shameless. You know, played the drunk dad Frank…… Good practice for the role of Flop, I imagine when they call cut on a scene, Flop goes full Frank).Flop during the day Flop after a day looking after Bing
Flop has the patience of a Saint. He must get himself to sleep every night via prescription meds and whisky, because that bunny must drive him insane. You never see Flop turn his back on a tantrum to catch a moment, or mouth “you little sh*t” under his breath when food is thrown back at him, or stand on some lego and shout “Sh*ttyF*ckingC*ntBalls!”
Flop just remains calm and considerate. You could say he’s the perfect parent. I’m going on the basis that inside his beanbag body is a mass of, well, nothing. He’s immune to life. And good on him. He doesn’t seem to work, but then caring for an epic arsehole must be a full time job.
If ever you want to get a good dose of parental guilt and realise what you’re doing wrong, then watch Flop in action.
I just don’t get it. I don’t get why Bing is so successful. I’ve never watched an episode and gone “blimey, that’s got an educational message behind it, good work”.
I just watch them, and at the end find myself saying….
“Being a pr*ck, it’s a Bing thing”.
I could go on, but I won’t.
I just wonder what Bing is trying to teach our kids. I know not everything is meant to be educational, and I guess you could argue that Bing normally ends with Flop teaching him what’s right, but still.
I guess the main take away from Bing, for parents, is to be more Flop.