This is a very impromptu post, and I’ll be posting it straight after writing it (scandalous I know) so it won’t be checked, checked and checked again like we do with all our other posts. So apologies for any mistakes.
But right now, at this very moment, I’m not okay. I’ve had a crap afternoon, which evolved into a crappy evening and then a general feeling of crappiness. I’m very lucky that with a lot of my mental illness, I have gotten better. I will never be ‘fixed’ and will always be constantly finding ways to heal, but I don’t have dark days as much as I used to and that’s a win for me.
But that dark fog has been very prominent in my brain tonight, I unfortunately take things to heart far to often and I also take on much more than I can handle. I am the type of person know as a ‘giver’. I will give and give, because I want people to be happy with me and know that I’ve done well. But being a giver means that I often run myself into the ground. My social, mental and physical energy levels end up below 5% and I need at least 75% to function like a normal human being.
I have given too much recently, and yet even in my mind, I still haven’t given enough. General human error, for anyone else would be a simple mistake. For me, I cannot let go that someone is going to be let down because of me. That’s when my mind goes into overdrive, and I end up cracking a little. That’s what happened tonight.
I cracked, and had quite a few tears, and now my energy levels are below 5% and I am exhausted. Although I still feel shit now, and I can’t see a way past how I feel, I know that it will be okay and it isn’t the end of the world.
That’s why I wanted to right this blog post. It’s okay to feel crap and have bad days, it’s okay to cry and feel hurt and any other negative emotions that you do feel. It’s okay.
What’s important is that you recognise how you feel, and you try to understand why you feel like that and heal from the pain. It isn’t always that easy I know, and trust me, this isn’t the first time this has happened and it certainly won’t be the last. But I know that it’s normal to feel like this, and I will get better.
So the next time you feel sad, hurt, angry, upset, anything like that. Remember that it’s okay to feel this way.