TW: I will be talking about weight issues and topics related to eating disorders within this post, so if you’re effected by these topics please don’t read on ❤️
My weight and me
I’d never really considered my weight as a kid, and I think that’s just because I was just a normal size and really no one should ever comment on anyone’s weight, but especially a child’s. I didn’t become aware of my weight until someone I loved and trusted told me that I’d started to look a bit chunky – I was 12.
It was really was an overnight change, and one that had come at a not great time. I was entering my teens and to say I was in self destruct mode is probably the kindest way to word things, and food definitely played a part in that destruction. I would either go for as long as possible without eating, to sneaking as much food as I could to my room after school and eating it all as quickly as I could. Being a teenager makes you self conscious as it is, but I was so afraid that if someone I loved could say that to my face then what did people think about me behind my back?
I also developed a fear of eating in front of people, going round friends and boyfriends houses for dinner lead to me having to psych myself up to eating around other people. Thankfully in recent years I’ve gotten over this, but some of the issues surrounding my weight are still ingrained.
Due to my anxiety I now really struggle to weigh myself or discuss anything about my weight. I’m 5’2 and so I find that when I’m too thin – people will comment on this, and when I put on weight – people will also notice this. So I have to try and stay on an even keel, and if I go above or below my norm, then the anxiety really sets in.
I found that being pregnant was actually the most healthy my relationship with my body and weight had ever been, because I was constantly told by midwives that I was fine and so if anyone had anything to say on the matter I would just simply say “Grayson is an average size and they’ve said I’m healthy”.
A few months before our wedding last year, I started my antidepressants again at the recommendation of my doctor and I had such a severe reaction to them, that I ended up losing a stone and a half. I’d already had my dress fitted, and when I went to collect it and the seamstress said “it doesn’t fit, have you tried to lose this weight” I had to hold back the tears because I was so angry that this had happened. The seamstress was lovely and could see how distressed I was, and amended the dress again for free. This sent me on a spiral for a while after the wedding, because the stress and IBS meant losing further weight and then the anxiety of “I’m getting to thin, this isn’t healthy, what’s wrong with me” set in.
The funny thing with weight is that you don’t have to be too fat or too thin; objectively you can be healthy but you can still have issues surrounding your weight. Thankfully in recent months I’ve taken a step back from the scales (literally and metaphorically) and I’ve been so much happier for it. I can’t speak for everyone of course, but for me personally putting less pressure on myself and not weighing myself anymore has definitely helped my mental attitude.
Obviously you know your own body and if you feel like there’s a problem then please discuss it with a doctor. However, if you feel healthy but you feel like you should be a certain size and begin to stress when you aren’t that size, then please try and be kind to yourself.